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Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, if my lid didn’t fit … you must acquit.
Today I got published … in print!
He probably thought the magic trick was the 30 pounds I gained since college
Gave me extra time to learn the infield fly rule
Hopefully I was not in charge of watering plants… or turning off the stove and iron… and blowing out candles

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I was hoping there’d be Cool Ranch Doritos instead of cake for dessert.

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