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  • I was the third coolest person on the block (fourth if you include the dog)I was the third coolest person on the block (fourth if you include the dog)
  • I suppose I could have run fasterI suppose I could have run faster
  • 🎶  I’m walkin’ yes indeed,  And I’m talkin’ about you and me,  I’m hopin’ that you’ll come back to me… 🎶🎶 I’m walkin’ yes indeed, And I’m talkin’ about you and me, I’m hopin’ that you’ll come back to me… 🎶
  • Last one standing should get a steak dinner — assuming your teeth workLast one standing should get a steak dinner — assuming your teeth work
  • The service moved me to tears, AMIRIGHT?The service moved me to tears, AMIRIGHT?

It’s like Touch ID but with peanut butter and jelly.

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cheesecake factory gift card

Waiting for a good steakhouse slip and fall

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I’m not the one who eats gummy worms while playing Minecraft … just sayin’

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College Football — The International Language

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i had to read the instructions to my new dash cam to learn how to retrieve accident footage

I had to apologize to the insurance lady for the swear words

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family dollar

Who knew off-brand deodorant had an expiration date?

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Only one of our vacations involved the world’s largest dead polar bear

White King

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Wait until he figures out what one-third of that crappy settlement is…

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That’s what Iowans call a “Cheverolet Snow Cone”

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I had a craving for lymon

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